How a bad pilates class taught me the best parenting lesson

First of all - I am not here to judge or complain - I'm sharing the story only because it helped me realised a powerful lesson - so it's a gift in disguise.

This is the bad gym part.

I recently found a pilates studio in Oaxaca, Mexico (we are here for a sabbatical - read more as featured on Montessori Society AMI UK magazine. Btw Montessori Hut is shipping as normal from London).

The first class was good - excellent machines, the instructor is very clear and thorough.

I happily went back, then this happened.

The instructor was checking her phone intermittenly through this session

- while she was counting 1-10, or during machine set up.

She might slow down the counting when she was distracting

But that was it - hardly a huge difference.

 

However, when I left that day, I felt pretty bad.

I realised why after some thinking -

Subconsciously, I felt that she didn't want to be there with us. We were not worth her time.

That put me off going there for 1.5 weeks.

 

Then it clicked - this must be how children feel when we are around but not present. When we

• Answer questions with half the attention
• Sit with them for a meal but are thinking about something else (or worse looking at the phone)
• Change them while rushing to leave

Now I have been given a gift of experiencing it first hand.

It was a sinking, demeaning feeling.

 

I used to do my best to be around,

but this taught me -

Being half present is not even 50% good - it actually make children feel awful.

 

So here's my invitation to join me to create that wonderful 'gym session' with your children this week -

1. Make a strong determination to be present - the determination itself will help us figure out ways to do it
2. Sequence jobs rather than multitask - doing 5 minutes of work, then 5 minutes to be with the children is better than 10 minutes of half working half being with the children
3. Ask for collaboration to make it happen: "I need 5 minutes to finish what I'm doing, then I'm with you. Can you read a book / eat an apple for 5 minutes yourself while you wait?" I tried with my 2 year old, and was surprised that he's quite willing to help.
4. Get help if possible - children don't want our half attention (unless the alternative is no attention). Quality trumps quantity. Children will be happily spend quality time with another adult away from us, rather than low quality time with us all day.
5. On days when there's no way out, then at least create pockets of 5 minutes of presence - that will say "I want to be with you".
6. I remembered what a dear adult friend told me about her childhood when her dad owned his own company. At the end of his work day, he would leave his phone in the car when he came in to be with them. It was such an inspiration.